N. Nice people tend to have smoother reunions. It's understandable to experience rage at what has happened to you and at your natural mother. Deal with the feelings of rage as much as you can before you approach your natural mother. Chances are you'll get off on a better foot that way.
O. Only the beginning ... Searching is not the end, it's only the beginning
P. People who don't understand are best left out of the search process. Expect to hear some people tell you have no right to search for your natural family, that you are being disloyal and ungrateful to your adoptive family and that you will destroy your natural mom's life by revealing her secret. natural mothers don't die from being "exposed." Experience shows that many natural mothers, once they overcome the fear, want very much to meet their sons and daughters. Your adoptive parents won't die because you search, either. It may be painful for them, but it's your right to search and to know the truth of your life.
Q. Quitting won't get you anywhere. Expect to have powerful feelings of wanting to quit your search at times, especially if it becomes lengthy or difficult. You don't have to quit, but sometimes if the emotions become too intense, you might want to slow the pace of your search and come to more meetings as a way of understanding what you're feeling.
R. Rejection is every adoptee's middle name. Expect to feel a lot of fears of rejection as you search. But you will find yourself growing stronger at every step as you confront these fears. Expect to feel afraid that your natural mother or adoptive family will reject you for searching. Chances are this won't happen.
S. Sad as it is to accept, adoption is not all it's cracked up to be. Your experience hasn't been perfect, and a lot of things have happened to cause you pain. To believe that your adoption experience has been perfect is to be in denial. By being in denial you are running away from painful feelings about yourself and about your life. Running only makes it worse.
T. Therapists are often useful when you're searching. They can help you deal with the confusing feelings you may experience. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean you're sick. It just means you're trying to take care of your emotional life and to learn more about yourself.
U. Understanding will be a valuable asset when you meet your natural mother. As you go through your search, you are preparing yourself for your reunion. Your natural mother is not. She is probably still in "hiding" and has not conscious idea that you are searching for her. Occasionally, natural mothers and adoptees do look for each other.
V. Voice your feelings when you go to support group meetings. As hard as it is to share painful feelings, sharing them will help you deal with your emotions.
W. Wounds from adoption take time to heal. Be kind to yourself.
X. Xpect to feel that your natural mother is dead. It goes through everyone's mind. She's probably not dead, but if she is you may have the opportunity to meet siblings, aunts and uncles and even your natural father.
Y. You won't die from your feelings. You may feel like you're going to die during your search experience, but unless you walk in front of a runaway truck...
Z. Zzzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzz. Sleep a lot while you're searching. It's a tiring experience, both physically and emotionally.
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