THE EFFECTS OF RELINQUISHMENT ON INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
                                       Teri Bach, MFCC and Adoptee

    I believe that unresolved issues resulting from Relinquishment dramatically affect Adoptees’ ability to have healthy and functional intimate relationships. Many of the issues I will talk about are issues shared by non-adoptees as  well. I think the difference is that the Adoptees’ trauma began at birth while those with similar issues typically developed them later on. Most non-adoptees had some development of self before their trauma began; we did not.   We were psychologically traumatized at birth; so I believe that the issues resulting from Relinquishment are  somewhat different. I have selected five common issues to discuss.

    TRUST. One of the ways in which an infant learns to trust in his own sense of being is from the security of his    mother meeting his needs consistently. When the birthmother isn’t there for him, he doesn’t develop this sense of    security and trust. He learns not to trust and that love can be withdrawn. He also learns not to rely on anyone for   fear of being let down again. Without trust, he may grow up doubtful about his own self-worth and unsure of    other’s motives. With trust, an infant can grow into a mature person capable of giving and receiving love.

    IDENTITY. To achieve an identity, a person must integrate various aspects of self with each other over time.     These are determined in part by our parents, our friends and other people in our lives. For adoptees this search     for identity is complicated by the lack of genetic history. The inability to achieve a strong sense of self by     completing this integration leads to a compromise in identity. We do not have much information on which to base     who we are. Typically, we know very little about our roots, who our birthparents are, their likes and dislikes, do I     look like either of them, where did I get my talents? This is the information that allows non-adopted people to     form their identities. In addition, when there is a break in the bonding with the birthmother, the infant doesn’t     experience a wholeness of self from which to separate or individuate. We are forced to form a separate ego
    before we should have to. Adoptees often become overly responsible and independent because of this premature     ego development.

    LOW SELF-ESTEEM/ LOSS OF POWER. We feel non-existent and left out. Many Adoptees feel that they were   hatched and not born. The story of our beginnings does not typically start with our birth. We hear only about our   Adoption and how excited our parents were to receive us. How does one feel one’s existence if there was no     beginning; no birth. We also seem to never really grow into feeling like an adult. Our society and the Adoption     system treat us like children by not allowing us access to information about ourselves. We are sometimes called an     "adopted child". In some places we still need a parent’s permission to receive our documentation. We continue to   feel left out of decisions and powerless because so much is still withheld from us, whether from information that   our birthmother doesn’t remember or agencies that refuse us information. This powerlessness and feelings of being   left out follow us into our intimate relationships. This loss of power experienced by Adoptees results in the need   to control our environment. We were born to one set of parents and just handed over to another set of parents.    We didn’t have any control over anything that happened to us at the very beginning of life. Because of all this,   our lives feel out of control and decided for us. We feel the need to take back some of this control.

    ABANDONMENT AND LOSS: Many Adoptees think that since their birthparents abandoned them, others will, too.    This fear lives with the Adoptee all his life. One of the stories some adoptees hear is that the birthmother loved     you so much that she did what was best; she gave you up. This associates love and being loved with abandonment.     With this message, many Adoptees believe that people who love us will eventually leave. Most Adoptees experience  separation anxiety. This is an unconscious fear of another abandonment. A present loss is probably triggering  feelings of the first loss which intensifies the feelings. The response to this loss is denying it, becoming numb to   it, or by avoiding it which causes Adoptees to avoid truly intimate relationships. Intimacy creates turmoil for most  Adoptees who have already experienced many losses such as loss of birth family, loss of personal history, loss of  status, loss of self, loss of trust and a loss of a sense of security, to name a few.

    FALSE SELF. The false self is a closing down of who we really are (the true self). The true self (or real self) is     our character, or substance, the part that wants to grow. When this part is prevented from healthy growth     because of giving up its needs to others, we can become alienated from it. We feel that we don’t exist. We either     act out or become compliant. Compliant Adoptees develop a false self in an attempt to please others particularly     the Adoptive Parents so that they too won’t relinquish us. We say what we think is expected of us rather than     what we think or feel. Or we may have been the Adoptee who acted out our pain and anger and got in trouble     frequently to defend against letting others know us. We believed we were bad people and that no one would like us     if they really knew us. We behaved this way so that if people rejected us, it was our behavior they were
    rejecting, not us. This false self is a defense mechanism to cope with the possibility of another abandonment.

    I will now address some of the ways in which I see that some of these issues get played out in intimate     relationships with many Adoptees which keeps them from having healthy and functional relationships. Intimacy     means that you have a relationship with another person where you offer and are offered, validation, understanding   and a sense of being valued intellectually, emotionally, and physically. A healthy relationship is based on a sense  of understanding and being understood.

    I’m going to take the same issues I just talked about and discuss how each affects a relationship for an Adoptee.     Being in an intimate relationship will trigger lots of old feelings and beliefs you have had before. For Adoptees     who are operating out of a false self, they are unable to have real intimacy because they are not being real and     true to themselves so they are not able to be so with others. They are not able to bond or attach with others     because of a lack of TRUST. They can’t allow themselves to be vulnerable so they need to have more superficial     relationships where the loss is not as great or no relationships at all. Intimate relationships require trust. You must   trust that your partner will not want to hurt you and you must open up some of yourself. This is the beginning of   getting to know someone in a very real way. Trust means honesty and the freedom to be yourself without being     judged. This will lead to substance in your relationship and a sense of being safe.

This is frightening to Adoptees     who have spent their lives behind a false self in order to not allow people to know them. This does not feel safe;     it evokes much anxiety. Trust means stability and a commitment to the relationship. None of these points are     easily accomplished for the Adoptee who does not trust that others will not hurt or abandon them, doesn’t want to     disclose who they are for fear of being judged and rejected and so therefore, cannot feel safe and without     anxiety in allowing a partner to become close. It becomes difficult to feel secure about the relationship when the
    underlying fear continues to be that this person will abandon us or withdraw love.

    LOW SELF-ESTEEM: We begin our world not feeling worthy or wanted. This continues into our relationships with   others; our beliefs about ourselves become: something is wrong with me, I am different, why would anyone want   me? This can lead to feelings of envy, lowered self-esteem, shame, or feeling left out. This gets played out in     relationships. If we do not feel worthy or wanted, then no matter what we or our partner does in our relationship,
    it will never be enough.. We need constant reassurance that we are okay and that we are still loved. This     reassurance becomes constant because no matter how much we are reassured, it is not believed. Also, since we do  not feel wanted and are waiting for our partner to leave, this opens us up for much anxiety. We were left out of     major decisions about our life, so we typically feel left out in many areas including relationships. This becomes a     pervasive feeling for many adoptees. We react to our partner attempting to control things for us or make decisions  for us. Often, we are triggered intensely into feeling left out or excluded when our partner makes plans that don’t   include us. I think the key word is intensely. Non-adoptees may feel left out in some of these circumstances, but  for an Adoptee the feeling is devastating and anxiety-producing.

    ABANDONMENT; Intimacy requires an ability to trust that your partner will not reject you, your ideas or your     feelings. As we know, differences and disagreements do happen in relationships and for Adoptees this can seem to  be a threat of rejection or abandonment. This triggers old feelings of the initial perceived rejection and     abandonment. The current argument takes on an overwhelming feeling of fear of being abandoned which takes     precedence over dealing with the issue needing to be resolved. The Adoptee may react by pushing the partner out to avoid the intense feelings or may suddenly become agreeable to avoid the conflict and so the feelings. This     triggers the belief that if I’m involved with you, I will lose me. This fear occurs because the Adoptee never     established a strong sense of self which leads to confusion about who I really am. Without a strong sense of self,
    the Adoptee is easily influenced and so gives up more of the Self. This loss of self leads to worrying about the     partner’s reactions to situations rather than her own needs.

    There is a tendency for Adoptees to feel unwanted easily. Again, looking at our initial feelings of being unwanted     and abandoned, we are quickly triggered into these feelings in our intimate relationships. We are hypersensitive to  our partner losing interest in us and tiring of our issues. We may test our partner to make sure they are truly     committed; we may ask for reassurance over and over, we may want them to somehow prove their love for us, or     we may look for a guarantee that they will never leave. This, of course, can be a set up to pushing them away     which is what we were trying to avoid. Often, relationships are unbalanced in power, with the Adoptee picking
    parental partners. I believe this is an attempt to re-enact and work through our initial relationship with our     birthmother.

    IDENTITY. A facet of this lack of identity is needing love to feel okay about oneself. If someone loves me, I     must exist. Many Adoptees feel "different" from others, nonexistent, and unlovable. A component of this is a     tendency to have many and frequent sexual relationships. The sex is a way of connecting and of feeling real. The     frequency of relationships keep them fairly superficial and safe. When the intensity of feelings involved in getting     to know someone and the sex involved wanes, the relationship is ended. After a point the intensity wears off which   is a normal stage of development for relationships but for Adoptees this may feel boring or seem that the partner  is losing interest. It is also the time when the couple begins to really know each other and this feels unsafe for  the Adoptee.

    FALSE SELF. Many Adoptees become anxious that their partner would want nothing more to do with them if they  really know them. The Adoptee attempts to be "perfect" and behave as though they are problem-free. We feel a   basic disconnection from ourselves and others because of this and so we can never truly bond with anyone because  we’re not being true to ourselves.

    Because Adoptees have repressed so much of who we are; we feel empty. With this emptiness is a need to fill up.     Many Adoptees attempt to fill this void with a relationship. We may expect the other person to meet all of our     needs and make us whole. Again, our partners feel inadequate because they can’t meet our expectations.

    How do we heal? I think the first step in healing is to acknowledge and validate the trauma for ourselves. Most of     us have not had this because Relinquishment has not yet been recognized as a trauma in our society. Even most     therapists will not recognize it as such. Some ways in which to do this is by reading Adoption-related articles and     books, joining support or therapy groups, by connecting with others on the Internet, and by finding a therapist     specializing in Adoption issues. The next step is to learn to nurture yourself. We lost our first nurturer in our     birthmother and many of us did not give our Adoptive mother a chance to do this or she was unable to so we may     have grown up with very little emotional nurturing. Take time for yourself especially if you have a partner and/or     children. Schedule in things to do for you.

    Much of the pain of being adopted is in losing a part of oneself at birth in the separation from the birthmother     and never feeling whole. Much of the recovery then is attempting to feel whole again by discovering the true self.     This may involve replacing old negative messages taken on as a child about oneself and replacing them with     affirmations or positive messages. Since many adoptees have lived so much of their lives pleasing others or    angrily  acting out, we have lost our true selves (or it has not been developed) and we are living a facade. We    need to find  our true selves. A large part of recovery is identifying who we are, what we like and dislike, what our    goals are,  etc. This is a difficult task because with this comes the fear of rejection. The fear of finding out who we    really are. What if the true self isn’t liked?

    Another part of recovery is the actual search for the birthparents. The process of the search is as important as     the reunion outcome. We find out much about ourselves just in the search process. Little bits of information about     our birthparents or their families are added to our developing identity. We learn more about who we are through     our genetic and medical history. We learn their likes and dislikes, what they look like, their mannerisms, etc. and     we compare them to ours. It is through this that we begin to add to our identity. Empowerment and reconnection     are the core experiences of recovery. We empower ourselves when we learn to take control of our lives and give
    up  our victim roles which do not serve us. You are empowered when you learn to identify your feelings and     needs, confront them and express them. You are then letting go of the false self and reconnecting with or finding    your  true self.

    It is at this point that you are capable of participating in a healthy and functional relationship with another     person. Coming from your true self in a relationship means being more certain of what you need, want and    believe  and stating these to your partner. Ideally, it means feeling safe and secure with your partner even with    your  issues. You must be able to talk about your fears and needs in an atmosphere that feels safe. Therefore, it is     important that you are involved with a partner who is able to affirm, validate and support you. Ask for what you     want in a direct manner. To accommodate some of the feelings of abandonment, it is helpful if you are frequently
    reassured about being loved and wanted and that you are a priority in this person’s life. Due to abandonment     issues, the Adoptee often feels left out, possessive, jealous and insecure about the partner. It is important again     to be reassured by the partner that you are loved and he will not leave, but that it’s important to have other     people in his life. It is reassuring and necessary for one who is adopted to be included in most decisions made that     affect her life. It is not okay for the partner to make decisions for the Adoptee without first consulting her. She     needs to feel included in the process. This should be communicated to your partner. It is helpful for the Adoptee
    to inform her partner that her tendency to be somewhat in control is for the purpose of providing her own sense     of security. The ways in which these controls occur may be negotiable, however. For example, if the partner tends     to get upset and leave during conflicts, the Adoptee might ask that if the partner needs to leave, he will reassure     her before going that he’ll be back, as this really triggers abandonment issues for her. Consistency is also     essential. We must know what to expect from our partner in order to feel safe and secure. We need to know that     our partner will respond in pretty much the same way over time.

    In order for a healthy relationship to happen, it is necessary for you as an Adoptee to feel confident that you are     a good person regardless of your issues. It is all right for you to know what you need and expect in a relationship     and clearly ask for it. If this is not accepted by your partner, then maybe your partner has some work to do.

         Teri Bach, is a Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist practicing in Santa Clara, California. She is also an     Adoptee. Teri specializes in post-adoption issues with adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. She     co-facilitates support groups for Search-Finders of California, a search and support group for those looking for     birth parents or adult adoptees. She has written several articles and speaks at Adoption Conferences     nationally  and  internationally. You can email her at  tbach@verio.com.
 
 

  Adoption is a lifelong, intergenerational process which unites the triad of birth families, adoptees, and   adoptive families forever. Adoption, especially of adolescents, can lead to both great joy and tremendous   pain. Recognizing the core issues in adoption is one intervention that can assist triad members and   professionals working in adoption better to understand each other and the residual effects of the adoption   experience.

  Adoption triggers seven lifelong or core issues for all triad members, regardless of the circumstances of   the adoption or the characteristics of the participants:

  1. Loss

  2. Rejection

  3. Guilt and Shame

  4. Grief

  5. Identity

  6. Intimacy

  7. Mastery/control
 

  Clearly, the specific experiences of triad members vary, but there is a commonality of affective
  experiences which persists throughout the individual's or family's life cycle development. The recognition of   these similarities permits dialogue among triad members and allows those professionals with whom they   interface to intervene in proactive as well as curative ways.

  The presence of these issues does not indicate, however, that either the individual or the institution of   adoption is pathological or pseudopathological. Rather, these are expected issues that evolve logically out   of the nature of adoption. Before the recent advent of open and cooperative practices, adoption- had been   practiced as a win/lose or adversarial process. In such an approach, birth families lose their child in order   for the adoptive family to gain a child. The adoptee was transposed from one family to another with   time-limited and, at times, short-sighted consideration of the child's long-term needs. Indeed, the   emphasis has been on the needs of the adults--on the needs of the birth family not to parent and on the   needs of the adoptive family to parent. The ramifications of this attitude can be seen in the number of   difficulties experienced by adoptees and their families over their lifetimes.

  Many of the issues inherent in the adoption experience converge when the adoptee reaches adolescence.   At this time three factors intersect: an acute awareness of the significance of being adopted; a drive toward   emancipation; and a biopsychosocial striving toward the development of an integrated identity.

  It is not our intent here to question adoption, but rather to challenge some adoption assumptions,
  specifically, the persistent notion that adoption is not different from other forms of parenting and the
  accompanying disregard for the pain and struggles inherent in adoption.

  However, identifying and integrating these core issues into pre-adoption education, post-placement
  supervision, and all post-legalized services, including treatment, universalizes and validates triad members'   experiences, decreasing their isolation and feelings of helplessness.

  Loss

  Adoption is created through loss; without loss there would be no adoption. Loss, then, is at the hub of the   wheel. All birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees share in having experienced at least one major,   life-altering loss before becoming involved in adoption. In adoption, in order to gain anything, one must first   lose--a family, a child, a dream. It is these losses and the way they are accepted and, hopefully, resolved   which set the tone for the lifelong process of adoption.

  Adoption is a fundamental, life-altering event. It transposes people from one location in the human mosaic   into totally new configuration. Adoptive parents, whether through infertility, failed pregnancy, stillbirth, or   the death of a child have suffered one of life's greatest blows prior to adopting. They have lost their dream   child. No matter how well resolved the loss of bearing a child appears to be, it continues to affect the   adoptive family at a variety of points throughout the families love cycle (Berman and Bufferd 1986). This   fact is particularly evident during the adoptee's adolescence when the issues of burgeoning sexuality and   impending emancipation may rekindle the loss issue.

  Birthparents lose, perhaps forever, the child to whom they are genetically connected. Subsequently, they   undergo multiple losses associated with the loss of role, the loss of contact, and perhaps the loss of the   other birth parent which reshape the entire course of their lives.

  Adoptees suffer their first loss at the initial separation from the birth family. Awareness of their adopted   status is inevitable. Even if the loss is beyond conscious awareness, recognition, or vocabulary, it affects   the adoptee on a very profound level. Any subsequent loss, or the perceived threat of separation, becomes   more formidable for adoptees than their non-adopted peers.

  The losses in adoption and the role they play in all triad members lives have largely been ignored. The grief   process in adoption, so necessary for healthy functioning, is further complicated by the fact that there is   no end to the losses, no closure to the loss experience. Loss in adoption is not a single occurrence. There   is the initial, identifiable loss and innumerable secondary sub-losses. Loss becomes an evolving process,   creating a theme of loss in both the individual's and family's development. Those losses affect all   subsequent development.

  Loss is always a part of triad members' lives. A loss in adoption is never totally forgotten. It remains either   in conscious awareness or is pushed into the unconscious, only to be reawakened by later loss. It is   crucial for triad members, their significant others, and the professional with whom they interface, to   recognize these losses and the effect loss has on their lives.

  Rejection

  Feelings of loss are exacerbated by keen feelings of rejection. One way individuals seek to cope with a   loss is to personalize it. Triad members attempt to decipher what they did or did not do that led to the   loss. Triad members become sensitive to the slightest hint of rejection, causing them either to avoid   situations where they might be rejected or to provoke rejection in order to validate their earlier negative   self-perceptions.

  Adoptees seldom are able to view their placement into adoption by the birthparents as anything other than   total rejection. Adoptees even at young ages grasp the concept that to be “chosen” means first that one   was "un-chosen," reinforcing adoptees' lowered self-concept. Society promulgates the idea that the "good"   adoptee is the one who is not curious and accepts adoption without question. At the other extreme of the   continuum is the "bad" adoptee who is constantly questioning, thereby creating feelings of rejection in the   adoptive parents.

  Birthparents frequently condemn themselves for being irresponsible, as does society. Adoptive parents   may inadvertently create fantasies for the adoptee about the birth family which reinforce these feelings of   rejection. For example, adoptive parents may block an adolescent adoptee's interest in searching for   birthparents by stating that the birthparents may have married and had other children. The implication is   clear that the birthparents would consider contact with the adoptee an unwelcome intrusion.

  Adoptive parents may sense that their bodies have rejected them if they are infertile. This impression may   lead the infertile couple, for example, to feel betrayed or rejected by God. When they come to adoption,   the adoptors, possibly unconsciously, anticipate the birthparents' rejection and criticism of their parenting.   Adoptive parents struggle with issues of entitlement, wondering if perhaps they were never meant to be   parents, especially to this child. The adopting family, then, may watch for the adoptee to reject them,   interpreting many benign, childish actions as rejection. To avoid that ultimate rejection, some adoptive   parents expel or bind adolescent adoptees prior to the accomplishment of appropriate emancipation tasks.

  Guilt/Shame

  The sense of deserving such rejection leads triad members to experience tremendous guilt and shame.   They commonly believe that there is something intrinsically wrong with them or their deeds that caused   the losses to occur. Most triad members have internalized, romantic images of the American family which   remain unfulfilled because there is no positive, realistic view of the adoptive family in our society.

  For many triad members, the shame of being involved in adoption per se exists passively, often without   recognition. The shame of an unplanned pregnancy, or the crisis of infertility, or the shame of having been   given up remains unspoken, often as an unconscious motivator.

  Adoptees suggest that something about their very being caused the adoption. The self-accusation is   intensified by the secrecy often present in past and present adoption practices. These factors combine to   lead the adoptee to conclude that the feelings of guilt and shame are indeed valid.

  Adoptive parents, when they are diagnosed as infertile, frequently believe that they must have committed a   grave sin to have received such a harsh sentence. They are ashamed of themselves, of their defective   bodies, of their inability to bear children.

  Birthparents feel tremendous guilt and shame for having been intimate and sexual; for the very act of   conception, they find themselves guilty.

  Grief

  Every loss in adoption must be grieved. The losses in adoption, however, are difficult to mourn in a society   where adoption is seen as a problem-solving event filled with joy. There are no rituals to bury the unborn   children; no rites to mark off the loss of role of caretaking parents; no ceremonies for lost dreams or   unknown families. Grief washes over triad members' lives, particularly at times of subsequent loss or   developmental transitions.

  Triad members can be assisted at any point in the adoption experience by learning about and discussing   the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kubler-Ross 1969).

  Adoptees in their youth find it difficult to grieve their losses, although they are in many instances aware of   them, even as young children. Youngsters removed from abusive homes are expected to feel only relief   and gratitude, not loss and grief. Adults block children's expressions of pain or attempt to divert them. In   addition, due to developmental unfolding of cognitive processes, adoptees do not fully appreciate the total   impact of their losses into their adolescence or, for many, into adulthood. This delayed grief may lead to   depression or acting out through substance abuse or aggressive behaviors.

  Birthparents may undergo an initial, brief, intense period of grief at the time of the loss of the child, but are   encouraged by well-meaning friends and family to move on in their lives and to believe that their child is   better off. The grief, however, does not vanish, and, in fact, it has been reported that birth mothers may   deny the experience for up to ten years (Campbell 1979).

  Adoptive Pants' grief over the inability to bear children is also blocked by family and friends who encourage   the couple to adopt, as if children are interchangeable. The grief of the adoptive parents continues as the   child grows up since the adoptee can never fully meet the fantasies and expectations of the adoptive   parents.

  Identity

  Adoption may also threaten triad members' sense of identity. Triad members often express feelings related   to confused identity and identity crises, particularly at times of unrelated loss.

  Identity is defined both by what one is and what one is not. In adoption, birthparents are parents and are   not. Adoptive parents who were not parents suddenly become parents. Adoptees born into one family, a   family probably nameless to them now, lose an identity and then borrow one from the adopting family.

  Adoption, for some, precludes a complete or integrated sense of self. Triad members may experience   themselves as incomplete, deficient, or unfinished. They state that they lack feelings of well-being,   integration, or solidity associated with a fully developed identity.

  Adoptees lacking medical, genetic, religious, and historical information are plagued by questions such as:   Who are they? Why were they born? Were they in fact merely a mistake, not meant to have been born, an   accident? This lack of identity may lead adoptees, particularly in adolescent years, to seek out ways to   belong in more extreme fashion than many of their non-adopted peers. Adolescent adoptees are   overrepresented among those who join sub-cultures, run away, become pregnant, or totally reject their   families.

  For many couples in our society a sense of identity is tied to procreation. Adoptive parents may lose that   sense of generativity, of being fled to the past and future, often created through procreation.

  Adoptive parents and birthparents share a common experience of role confusion. They are handicapped by   the lack of positive identity associated with being either a birthparent or adoptive parent (Kirk 1964).   Neither set of parents can lay full claim to the adoptee and neither can gain distance from any problems   that may arise.

  Intimacy

  The multiple, ongoing losses in adoption, coupled with feelings of rejection, shame, and grief as well as an   incomplete sense of self, may impede the development of intimacy for triad members. One maladaptive   way to avoid possible reenactment of previous losses is to avoid closeness and commitment.

  Adoptive parents report that their adopted children seem to hold back a part of themselves in the
  relationship. Adoptive mothers indicate, for example, that even as an infant, the adoptee was "not cuddly.''   Many adoptees as teens state that they truly have never felt close to anyone. Some youngsters declare a   lifetime emptiness related to a longing for the birthmother they may have never seen.

  Due to these multiple losses for both adoptees and adoptive parents, there may also have been difficulties   in early bonding and attachment. For children adopted at older ages, multiple disruptions in attachment   and/or abuse may interfere with relationships in the new family (Fahlberg 1979 a,b).

  The adoptee's intimacy issues are particularly evident in relationships with members of the opposite sex   and revolve around questions about the adoptee's conception, biological and genetic concerns, and   sexuality.

  The adoptive parents' couple relationship may have been irreparably harmed by the intrusive nature of   medical procedures and the scapegoating and blame that may have been part of the diagnosis of infertility.   These residual effects may become the hallmark of the later relationship.

  Birthparents may come to equate sex, intimacy, and pregnancy with pain leading them to avoid additional   loss by shunning intimate relationships. Further, birthparents may question their ability to parent a child   successfully. In many instances, the birthparents fear intimacy in relationships with opposite sex partners,   family or subsequent children.

  Mastery/Control

  Adoption alters the course of one's life. This shift presents triad members with additional hurdles in their   development, and may hinder growth, self-actualization, and the evolution of self-control.

  Birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoptees are all forced to give up control. Adoption, for most, is a   second choice. Birthparents did not grow up with romantic images of becoming accidentally pregnant or   abusing their children and surrendering them for adoption. In contrast, the pregnancy or abuse is a crisis   situation whose resolution becomes adoption. In order to solve the predicament, birthparents must   surrender not only the child but also their volition, leading to feelings of victimization and powerlessness   which may become themes in birthparents' lives.

  Adoptees are keenly aware that they were not party to the decision which led to their adoption. They had   no- control over the loss of the birth family or the choice of the adoptive family. The adoption proceeded   with adults making life-altering choices for them. This unnatural change of course impinges on growth   toward self-actualization and self-control. Adolescent adoptees, attempting to master the loss of control   they have experienced in adoption, frequently engage in power struggles with adoptive parents and other   authority figures. They may lack internalized self-control, leading to a lowered sense of self-responsibility.

  These patterns, frequently passive/aggressive in nature, may continue into adulthood.

  For adoptive parents, the intricacies of the adoption process lead to feelings of helplessness. These
  feelings sometimes cause adoptive parents to view themselves as powerless, and perhaps entitled to be   parents, leading to laxity in parenting. As an alternative response, some adoptive parents may seek to   regain the lost control by becoming overprotective and controlling, leading to rigidity in the parent/adoptee   relationship.

  The experience of adoption, then can be one of loss, rejection, guilt/shame, grief, diminished identity,   thwarted intimacy, and threats to self-control and to the accomplishment of mastery. These seven core or   lifelong issues permeate the lives of triad members regardless of the circumstances of the adoption.

  Identifying these core issues can assist triad members and professionals in establishing an open dialogue   and alleviating some of the pain and isolation which so often characterize adoption. Triad members may   need professional assistance in recognizing that they may have become trapped in the negative feelings   generated by the adoption experience. Armed with this new awareness, they can choose to catapult   themselves into growth and strength.

  Triad members may repeatedly do and undo their adoption experiences in their minds and in their
  vacillating behaviors while striving toward mastery. They will benefit from identifying, exploring and
  ultimately accepting the role of the seven core issues in their lives.

  The following tasks and questions will help triad members and professionals explore the seven core issues   in adoption:

       List the losses, large and small, that you have experienced in adoption.
       Identify the feelings associated with these losses.
       What experiences in adoption have led to feelings of rejection?
       Do you ever see yourself rejecting others before they can reject you? When?
       What guilt or shame do you feel about adoption?
       What feelings do you experience when you talk about adoption?
       Identify your behaviors at each of the five stages of the grief process. Have you accepted your
       losses?
       How has adoption impacted your sense of who you are?
 

Newsletters | Adoption Articles | Adoption Crossroads HomePage