Access News - Issue 62

I had the honor and absolute joy of attending this conference. The immediate sense one gets upon walking into an auditorium filled with people who know the marrow deep pain of loss through adoption is that you are with family. They may be mostly people you have never met but you have not a doubt that you will not have to try to explain the pain of your loss whether an adopted person or a mother or father who have lost their child to adoption.

The first speakers on Friday were Carol Schaefer, author of "The Other Mother" and Rickie Solinger author of "Beggars and Choosers" as well as "Wake up Little Susie". To quote the latter, "based on what I've learned about the experiences of mothers in the United States, I want to suggest that the conventional understanding of adoption should be turned on its head. Almost everybody believes that on some level, mothers make a choice to give their babies away....I argue that adoption is rarely about mothers' choices; it is, instead, about the abject choicelessness of some resourceless women." This from a woman who does not know the pain of losing a baby to adoption but rather from a woman who deeply cares about womens issues and is willing to probe into their lives and to speak up for them. Both Carol and Rickie are exceptional speakers and Carol shares with such warmth and humor. Carol asked mothers "what made us so vulnerable?" Carol looked for why some women were able to keep their baby and she did not. Much depended on the young womans family as well as the social system. She spoke of the fear of being a pariah, of not being a good person because we were pregnant out of wedlock and that we could be good again if we relinquished as (they) wanted us to.

She spoke of the layers of healing that are being uncovered in mothers who lost their babies. I understand that statement clearly as so often I think I am okay with everything until I am confronted with another aspect when hearing another mother coming to the realization of another layer of her pain and I find myself in tears once again as I strongly identify with her. She talked about the feelings wehold against others we hold against ourselves such as anger resentment and bitterness. We need to work to be free of these feelings to have personal healing.

Carol is strongly resistant to the term "birthmother". To quote Carol, "millions of people can parent a child but only one woman, the mother, can bring this child into the world. She also told us of the belief of the Tibetan people which is that the spirits of the father, mother and child meet at conception and it is this spiritual connection which urges back to one another.

We had choices of many workshops to attend and at most we had the opportunity to participate and this made it difficult for me to take notes and to really absorb what was said. I attended one by Judy Lawrence from the UK which was about "Disenfranchised Motherhood" which Judy told us means "deprive of any right, privilege or power". It was a small group of women and so there was sharing of deep grief and many tears. She reiterated the spiritual connection between mother and child.

I proceeded to another workship led by Ann Hughes, a delightful lady, on Grieving your past, Creating your Future where she spoke about mothers taking back the dignity and personal power we gave away at the time of our loss and reclaiming them both. She gave us a time and led us through a meditation on any deep hurt we could think of from our past and how to visualize that same instance and saying what we would want to say today and what we needed at the time. That was very beneficial to me and something I can readily use when I feel the anger welling up over different issues linked to my loss of my son.

Joe Soll led a support group meeting both on Friday and Saturday from 4:45 til 6:15 but I got caught up in conversation with some women and missed the one on Friday. I did go on Saturday and it was so very good. Several male adoptees were in attendance and their sharing is always so helpful for me to get some understanding of what my son could possibly be feeling. I connected with a couple of the men and will keep in touch with them on the net.

Saturday began with a presentation by Ann Fessler of excerpts from her audio/video installations which are based on the oral histories of surrendering mothers she has interviewed and which are chronicled in her forthcoming book "The Girls who Went Away." Ann is an adoptee, visual artist and author and she has interwoven her story with those of mothers who surrendered children for adoption. A conference such as this can be very emotionally charged and it is a welcome break when someone like Ann and Carol could intersperse some humor in their talks. Ann did make us laugh as well but their was not a dry eye in the room when her visual presentation was finished. One male adoptee stated "I got it!!! I finally get the pain of my mother!" His face was drenched in tears. Anns personal story of her search is amazing and you must read her book if you have not already.

I attended the workshop led by Michelle Edmunds who moderates the radio show from Toronto "The Adoption Show...dispelling the myths". She began at the blackboard in the classroom to start working through the myths but alas only one got talked about, the first one which is the use of the term 'birthmother'. This is a very controversial topic as I learned but the one thing I will hold onto is that today we each have a voice and can vocalize and choose what term we want for ourselves. I am sorry that we could not have discussed more of the myths which are still prevalent today....'she gave up her baby', 'you will get on with your life', 'babies are blank slates, they will be just fine' etc. etc. etc.

After lunch we were treated to a panel discussion about how adoption had effected the artistic abilities of each of the panel who were Edward Albee, playwright, Carol Schaefer, author and Ann Fessler. visual artist and author. Edward Albee began and regaled us with his wittiness concerning his adoption. He said he was really quite happy to find our he was adopted and that he really was not any part of the people who adopted him because they were the most bigoted people he knew. He spent his years in a very wealthy home with people who had an agenda in adopting him, that he would do what they wanted and fulfil their need to have a child to meet their wishes. They could not understand him nor did they spend much time trying. He was raised by the nanny and he pretended she was his mother and she did likewise. He loved his nanny deeply as well as his maternal adoptive grandmother who kept him in cigarettes and also liked to drink. His adoptive parents did not like her either so he won no points for his relationship with her. When he did not bend to their wishes he was entirely cut out of the will to the extensive family fortunes. He says growing up in that environment he became more objective about people and he thinks that encouraged his creative bent. He was very humorous but I gleaned that he was deeply entrenched in denial and sensed a fair amount of anger as well. He concluded with a very crude comment which was directed at mothers of which I will not repeat here.

Carol followed Edward and then Ann. Carol shared on how she thought she always did have a creative streak but the pain of her loss hindered her in being productive in that area and once she was reunited with her son she was able to get healing and the creative juices flowed. She was encouraged to put her experience into words in her book and also worked closely in the production of the made for tv film "The Other Mother".

In the afternoon of Saturday I attended the workshop by Celeste Billharz an Adoptee/Educator and Karen Wilson Buterbaugh, co-author of Adoption Healing for Mothers...a path to recovery. Celeste has written songs and poetry to do with womens issues but the ones we heard all spoke of adoption loss and reunion. She is so talented. She also sang some of her personal songs. Karen brought some artifacts from the wage homes and maternity homes which abounded in the US, one of which she was sent to.

I was also privileged to meet others who have written books which are now published. One is a lady named Susan Souza whose book is called"The Same Smile". While in New York I purchased one of the last People Magazines for that week which featured an article about three mothers entitled "Forced to Give up Their Babies". One of the mothers was Susan Souza. She was a participant in one of the workshops I attended and I was honored to meet her and hear her story.

Another very endearing young lady I met was Zara Phillips, an adoptee from California who too has written her story called "Chasing away the Shadows." Just when a person thinks they have read all the books they need to, you hear of new ones like these two and knowing the authors and wanting to hear their story nudges you on to buy yet another one and another one.

I met and listened to women from Origins Australia talk about their dedicated work in their country and the amazing changes that have been brought about in adoption practices there. They never gave up in using their voices and their experiences in the loss of their babies and today it is a very different system in their country where vulnerable single mothers are concerned. The exploitation has stopped, finally, and mothers and their babies have the support they need to stay together. One mother, Lily Arthur produced the SBS documentary "Gone to a Good Home" which has shown on tv in Australia and will be presented at their 3rd national Conference on the Mental Health Aspects of Persons Affected by Family Separation. She has been reunited with her son and he attended the NY conference with her.