Adoption Dictionary

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A Guide to Adoptese, the language of Adoption

Abandon vt. 1. to give up (something) completely or forever [to abandon all hope]. 2. to leave, as in danger or out of necessity; forsake; desert. By far, the vast majority of adoptees were not abandoned at birth, but it certainly may feel that way.

Acting Out v. Expressing strong emotions through overt behavior rather than words; when an individual's outward response to inner feelings cannot be revealed directly, the behavior is often destructive or maladaptive. A very common problem in families with dead horses on the dining room table.

Actuality n. A term coined by the late and world-famous psychologist Erik Erikson (who found out when he was 20 that he was adopted) Erikson believed that if you grew up not knowing your blood family you could not have a sense of actuality. What he meant by actuality is the ability to feel connected to people and events in a real way.

Actor n. 1. a person who pretends to be what he or she is not.2. an adoptee (An adoptee has to be a good actor, always trying to figure out how to be what his/her parents want him/her to be.)

Adaptable adj. 1. able to adjust oneself to new or changed circumstances 2. describing the typical adoptee

ADD (A-D-D): Adoption(/Abuse) Disrespect Disorder  n. fr. Am. “don’t talk about the dead horse on the table,”  symptoms of which mimic Attention Defecit (Hyperactivity) Disorder as the adult self is overtaken in behavior by the Inner Child because of fear of not being heard (justified by not having been heard).  This creates a clutter in the brain, making it nearly impossible to stay focused on the question or goal at hand and resulting in a skewed and paralyzed articulation of one’s needs.

Adopt vt. 1. to chose and bring into a certain relationship; specif., to take into one's own family by legal process and raise as one's own child. 2. to take as one's own and pretend it didn't happen.

Adoptee n.a person who is adopted. SYN.- adoptu, adopted person

Adoptese n. [Adoptu]The official language of those who have been separated by adoption.

Adopted adv.1. describing an adoptee. 2. Describing someone who was taken into a different family by the process of adoption.

Adoption n. the act of being adopted. In the United States today, approximately One Billion dollars a year is given to adoption agencies and attorneys in exchange for babies. (Approximately 51,000 infant adoptions x an average of $20,000 per adoption) In the United States, a mother surrenders (see below) a baby for adoption once every ten minutes, twenty four hours a day.

Adoption Agency n. [Old Rou. In Transylvania, a company that separates you from your blood.] In the real world, an organization that makes money doing so.

Adoption Attorney n. Someone who practices law and makes more money than an adoption agency for doing the same thing as the agency..

Adoption Decree n.A legal document that states that one's adoptive parents are the only parents an adopted person has and that the original parents are no longer related to the adoptee; The original parents might even be declared to cease to exist

Adoption Reform Movement n. A group of dedicated people who are trying to humanize adoption laws and practices and do not get paid for doing so, in contrast with those who try to maintain the status quo and make money by fighting to do so.

Adoptu n. 1.What Betty Jean Lifton has suggested adoptees should really be called, because it was done to them. 2. The language of adopted people 3. A tribe of people who were surrendered to adoption at birth [the adoptu nation.] SYN.- adoptee, adopted person

Adoptive Father n. Someone who becomes a parent through the act of adopting.

Adoptive Mother n. Someone who becomes a parent through the act of adopting.

Adoptive Parent n. Someone who becomes a parent through the act of adopting.

Adult n. Something an adopted person can never be. According to the law, an adoptee is always a child.

Affirmation n. A healing sentence or phrase that one can say out loud in one's head when it feels like it would be helpful. Saying affirmations is a very powerful healing method.

Amended Birth Certificate n.A birth certificate that is issued to adopted persons to indicate that their adoptive parents gave birth to them. This certificate assigns them the name that their adoptive parents chose for them.

Anger n. One of the most basic human emotions, and perhaps one of the scariest to acknowledge. It is very likely that most triad members have a lot of anger and need to find ways of expressing it verbally and also learn how to channel it into positive activities. Anger is a cumulative emotion and if not expressed on a regular basis in a societally acceptable way can lead to Acting Out (see above) and other medical, physical and emotional difficulties.

Anniversary Reaction n. A psychological reaction to the anniversary of traumatic events from the past, often unconscious, that can cause extreme anxiety/discomfort/body symptoms. The symptoms can often be relieved just by consciously acknowledging the traumatic event.

Anxiety n. One of the most basic human emotions, a feeling of unrest/fear/discomfort that something bad is going to happen. Often, if we can consciously figure out what we are afraid of we can calm the emotion.

Attachment n. The psychological connection that a baby forms with their adoptive family. Often confused with bonding (See below)

Attention Defecit Disorder n. A disorder that occurs in infancy, childhood, or adolescence, characterized by impulsive behavior, inattentiveness and excessive motor activity. Adoptees are frequently misdiagnosed as having A.D.D. when what is really going on is Day Dreaming about what happened at the beginning of their lives.

Authentic adj. Real or true. In adoption literature, the authentic self is often referred to as the self that would have been had the adoptee remained with the original family and the non-authentic self is the self that is formed in the adoptive family.. Search and/or reunion can assist the adopted person to reclaim much of his or her authenticity.

Baby Selling v. The practice of giving thousands of dollars to attorneys or adoption agencies in exchange for babies. In many countries (outside of the North American continent), no money is exchanged because it is considered to be the selling of human beings. In the United States today, approximately One Billion dollars a year is given to adoption agencies and attorneys in exchange for babies. (Approximately 51,000 infant adoptions x an average of $20,000 per adoption)

Bastard n. A child born out of wedlock. A word that unfortunately used to be stamped on the birth certificate of adoptees in many states. The Bible makes many derogatory statements about those whose lives started this way (See Deuteronomy 23:12). One of the most stigmatizing words referring to adopted individuals. (See Illegitimate below)

Birth n. Act. of coming into life or of being born; the delivery of a newly born child alive; descent; origin. Adoptees often cannot relate to having been born, believing instead that they come from a baby supermarket or descended from Mars or zapped into existence. Babies remember the birth experience (and being in the womb) and carry the unconscious memory with them through out life. If their first experience was a separation of mother and child, the child experiences a psychic wound. (Click on Book Store and go to the Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.)

Birthdate n. The day on which one is born; the anniversary of that day. Adoptees often find it difficult to celebrate their birthdate because it is the anniversary of the loss of their original family. Some adoptees mourn the loss of their original family on their birthdate and choose another day to celebrate being alive. In some states adoptees' birthdates are routinely falsified, deemed to be too identifying.

Birthname n. The name of the adoptee at birth, before adoption. Most adoptees do have a name and original birth certificate (see below). The birthname is given by the adoptees first mother (usually) and the surname is most often the first mother's family name.

Birthplace n. The place where a person is born. In some states an adoptee's birthplace is routinely falsified, deemed to be too identifying

Birth Certificate n. A legal document that is issued subsequent to the birth of all babies, stating the birthdate, birthplace, parents, parent's ages, parent's occupation, parent's place of birth and other information depending on the city and state of birth. Most adopted individuals have two birth certificates, an original and an amended. (See above and below)

Birthright n. Anything to which one is entitled by birth. The truth of his/her origins is the birthright of every individual, and in most countries

Black Market Adoption n. This term is applied to illegal adoptions where the rights of the child and/or mother are violated or large amounts of money change hands.

Bonding v. The psychological and physiological process of creating a significant and deep relationship between mother and child that begins no later than the beginning of the third trimester, and continues for a significant time after birth, unless mother and child are separated. Bonding can only exist between the infant and the mother that brings the child into the world. Adopted infants can attach to their adopted mothers, but not bond.

Car Crash n. 1. An automobile accident. Thousands of adoptees have been told that their original parents died in a Car Crash (a LIE for most). The reason that this was suggested by mental health professionals and others was to stop the adoptee from thinking about or searching for the original parents. This practice, which still continues today, though to a much lesser extent, is very harmful and disrespectful to both the adoptee and the original family.

Child n. 1. An infant; baby 2. An unborn offspring. 3. A boy or girl in the period before puberty 4. A son or a daughter 5. a descendant (An adoptee in most states is regarded as an adopted child for life.)

Choice n. The act of chosing; selection 2. The right, power or chance to choose; option 3. A person or thing chosen. 4. The best or most preferable part. 5. A variety from which to choose 6. An alternative

Civil Rights.n.  Those rights guaranteed to the individual by the 13th, 14th, 15th and 19th Amendments to the Constitution of the United States and by other acts of Congress; esp., ..... equal treatment of all people with respect to the enjoyment of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Several Constitutional Lawyers have stated in public that adoptees and original parents are being denied their Civil, Constitutional and Human Rights by not being allowed access to one another's identity. The test for this is are you being treated differently (discriminated against) than other people because of something about you that is immutable (not changeable). The status of being adopted or being a original parent is immutable.

Clean Slate n. The mistaken belief (still held to be true by some) that a baby comes into this world without any genetic talents, tastes, temperments or predispositions to the aforesaid and can be shaped into whatever kind of person his parents desire.

Closed Adoption n. The process of adoption which does not allow for any contact or identifying information between original family and the adoptive family or the adoptee. Closed adoption is practiced mostly in the North American Continent. Most other countries have open adoption or at least a means of giving identifying information between the parties when the adoptee reaches the age of majority.

Coerce vt. 1. To restrain or constrain by force, esp, by legal authority; curb 2. To force or compel to do something 3. To bring about by using force; enforce Coercion adj. The act or power of coercing

Confidential n. 1. Told in confidence; imparted in secret 2. of or showing trust in another; confiding 3. Entrusted with private or secret matters.

Confidentiality adv. Confidentiality in adoption is a myth. The myth was created as a way of offering something that adoption agencies presumed would encourage women to surrender their child. In most cases "Confidentiality" was forced on all parties to an adoption. There can be no confidentiality in adoption for several reasons: a. The adoptee and her mother participated in the birth together, so it cannot be secret. b. In most states the law states that the records can be opened for good cause; since the law allows exception to "confidentiality", the promise of confidentiality could not and cannot be made in good faith.

Constitutionial Right (See Civil Rights above)

Cry vi. To sob and and shed tears, in expressing sorrow, pain, etc.; weep. Contrary to the beliefs of some, letting oneself cry about a death or separation is not a sign of weakness. Only strong people let themselves cry and feel the pain of their loss. Crying is a healthy release of emotion that is necessary for the mourning process and crying releases harmful chemicals in one's tears (they sting) and releases helpful chemicals within one's blood stream.

Dead Horse on the Dining Room Table n. A metaphor for the secrecy surrounding adoption in many adoptive families. The dead horse on the dining room table is adoption; everyone knows about it and everyone avoids it. The dead horse is stinking up the family system causing tension, anger and a lack of communication. When the horse is acknowledged, it can be removed by having ongoing conversations about the realities of adoption in the particular family.

Death v. The total and permanent cessation of vital functions; currently in humans, the determining factor is the absence of measurable brain wave activity. Normally when there is a loss of a parent to death, the surving offspring are encouraged to express their feelings of sadness, grief and anger and go through a healing period of mourning. (See Psychological Death below)

Defense Mechanism v. A mental process that protects the personality from anxiety, guilt feelings, or unacceptable thoughts. Many of these mechanisms are considered to be generally unconscious. Some of the best known mechanisms include denial, idealization, compensation, overcompensation, sublimation, projection, rationalization, intellectualization and repression. Defense mechanisms set in place at the FRACTURE (see below) are responsible for many adoptees not knowing they have feelings about the separation from their mothers at birth.

Defect n. 1. Lack of something necessary for completeness; deficiency; shortcoming 2. An imperfection or weakness; fault; flaw; blemish.

Defective adj. 1. Having a defect of defects; imperfect; faulty. 2. Having some bodily or mental defect. Adoptees often feel that they are defective (or their mothers would have kept them) and they often believe that the defect is that they are unlovable.

Deli-Man n. The man behind the counter in the Deli that makes the pastrami on rye with mustard that you ordered and uses mayonnaise instead; and you explode with rage. The rage is from the accumulation of anger about past events in one's life that have not been acknowledged or validated. This over-reaction can be changed by learning to channel and express anger in societally approved ways.

Denial v. The defense mechanism that protects the personality from anxiety or guilt by disavowing or ignoring unacceptable thoughts, emotions or wishes.

Emotion n.  A feeling or mood; a state of mind usually accompanied by concurrent physiological and behavioral changes and based on the perception of some internal or external events.

Entitlement  n.  Services, goods and rights due to an individual by virtue of a specific status. Many adoptees and original parents do not feel entitled to among other things....respect, fair treatment by authority etc, because of the losss of their mother/child.

Equality n.  The principle that individuals should have equal access to services, resources and opportunities and be treated the same by all social, educational, governmental institutions.  Adoptees and original parents are surely not given equality in many areas of their lives.

Ethnicity  n.  An orientation toward the shared national origin, religion, race, or language of a people; also, a person's ethnic affiliation, by virtue of one or more of these characteristics and traditions.

Exiled mother n. The original (blood) mother of an adoptee. Many exiled mother's would understandably prefer to be identified as mother.

Exposure n.  An exposing or being exposed.   In adoption it is commonly refers other people having knowledge of one's status as an original  parent or adoptee.  There is great fear, sometimes even terror,  among many adoptees and birthparents of being "found out"

Family Preservation n.  Keeping families intact.  Providing services that Help women keep their babies.

Father  n.  1. a man who has engendered a child   2. the male parent  - vt.  1. to be the father of; beget  2. to care for as a father does; protect; rear, etc.

Fear  n.  The emotional and physical reaction to an identifiable or percieved source of danger

Feelings n.  (See Emotions)

Fixer n.  A person who fixes things.    Adoptees are often fixers in their adoptive families because they were adopted to "cure" their parent's childlessness.  Because of this, the adoptee often feels responsibility for the adoptive parent's marriage and overall happiness.  This  often leads  to the adoptee becoming a people pleaser.  (See People Pleaser)

Fracture n.  1.  a breaking or being broken  2. a break, crack or split   -vt.,  to break, crack, or split  2. to break up; disrupt   It seems likely that every adoptees suffers the "fracture" of their personality at about the age of seven and that a new personality develops based on the belief that the adoptee is unloveable or wouldn't have been given up.

Free Floating Feelings n.  Pervasive anger, anxiety, sadness, tension not attached to specific threats, situations or ideas.  Adoptees and their exiled mothers often experience these very frightening feelings.

Genetic   adj.  1. of the genesis, or origin or something  2. of  or having to do with genetics  3.  inherited.

Genetic Attraction   n.  A very strong physical attraction that often occurs between adoptees and their original parents and/or siblings upon reunion.  The attraction happens for a variety of reasons and those that feel it need to be extremely careful that they do not act upon the feelings.

Ghost n. 1. orig., the spirit or soul  2. the supposed disembodied spirit of a dead person  3. a haunting memory    It can be said that the ghosts of the original parents live in the adoptive home and that the ghosts of the adoptive family live in the original parent's homes.

Greymarket adoption n. - .  Baby selling between 2 parties who know each other and agree to a monetary exchange - no lawyers involved although adoption legalized in court - where everyone swears that no money changed hands.

Guilt  n.  An emotional reaction to the perception of having done something wrong, having failed to do something, or violating an important social norm.   The reaction is often a loss of self-esteem and a desire to make restitution.  The most useless of our emotions; worrying today about something from the past that cannot be changed.

Healing  vt. To remedy or get rid of grief and troubles, etc.  To restore to health a wound or sore.

Heredity  a. The transmission of characteristics from parents to offspring through chromosomes that bear the genes; also, the tendency of an individual to manifest the traits of this or her progenitors.

Heritage  n.  1. Something handed down from one's ancestors or the  past, as a characteristic, a culture, tradition, etc.
2. the rights, burdens, or status resulting from being born in a certain time or place; birthright

Human Right  n. The opportunity to be accorded the same privileges and obligations in social fulfillment as are accorded to all others without distinction as to race, sex, language, or religion.

Hyperactive  adj.  Extremely, abnormally active.  In adoptees, this is very often hypervigilance caused by anxiety due to the trauma of the Primal Wound

Hypervigilant   adj.  A state of excessive wariness/watchfulness by a child.  This condition is often confused with hyperactive behavior and is really due to the child's fear of the initial separation from her mother being repeated.  She is worried that something bad will happen and therefore is watching all around her for signs of danger.

Identifying Information  n.  In adoption search , identifying information is that information that would allow someone to identify the person being sought.  Such information would be a name, birthdate, social security number, last known address etc.  By law, in most states of the U.S., identifying information about an adoptinon is not allowed to be given to anyone.  (Most people will succeed in their search in spite of this lack of identifying information.

Illegitimate adj. 1.Laws that prohibit or inhibit adoptees and original parents from finding each other. 2. Any act of coersion that separates families. It is illogical that this word should be an adjective for a human being.

Infertility

Informed Choice

Inner Child

Intimacy

Jail

Jealousy

Kinship Adoption

Learning Disability

Liberty and Justice for All...

Loveable

Memory

Moses

Mother  n.  1. a woman who has born a child   2. the female parent  - vt.  1. to be the mother of; give birth to  2. to care for as a mother does

Mourning

Nature

Non-Identifying Information

Numbness

Nurture

Open Adoption

Original Birth Certificate

Panic Attack

People Pleaser n. A person who spends a lot of  energy pleasing others.  Adoptees are often people pleasers.   One reason is to ensure their place in the adoptive home, fearing that if they don't please their parents they will be sent back or abandonned.  (See also Fixer)  People pleasing can then extend to one's friends etc and the adoptee often winds up pleasing everyone but him/herself.

Predator

Primal Woundn. "...When the natural evolution of continued bonding of mother and child is interrupted by a postnatal separation of both, the resultant experience of abandodnment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious mind of the newborn., causing that which ( Nancy Newton Verrier, M.A.) calls the Primal Wound." To order the book "The Primal Wound", Click on Book Store at bottom of this page.

Psychic Shock

Psychological Death

Questions

Radical

Rage

Real

Reality

Reality Testing

Recovery

Rejection

Registryn. An index of crossreferenced information. In the adoption movement, a registry is a list of names, birthnames, birthdates, places of birth etc in the hope of matching those separated by adoption. While the registries work and should be used, they should not be relied on; most people have a reunion by doing an active search through one of the hundreds of adoption search and organizations in this country and abroad.

Regression

Repressionv. The defense mechanism that

Respect

Reunion

Sadness

Sealed Records Laws

Separation Anxiety

Search

Secrecy

Self-Mutilation

Self-Worth

Sensitive

Sexuality

Shame

Slavery

Smell

Spirituality

Stealing

Street Lamps

Support Group

Suppression

Surrender v. The signing over of a baby by its mother for adoption. syn. Surrender (See Surrender and Surrender Papers below.) In the United States, a mother surrenders a baby for adoption once every ten minutes, twenty four hours a day.

Surrender Papersn. Contrary to popular belief, the surrender papers only state that the mother surrenders her right to parent the baby. There is no mention of confidentiality, caring, searching or privacy.

Temperment

Terror

Terrorist

Trauma

Trust

Unreal

Validation

Vigilante

Wavelength

Xenophobe

Yearning

Zoo

(Some of the definitions come from the NASW Social Work Dictionary by Robert L. Barker)

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Last Updated on June 27,  2002 by Joe Soll

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