<>Winter 1999
Products for the Modern Adoptee
(products by Robert Andersen, M.D., author of 2nd Choice: Growing Up Adopted)
<>Winter
1999
Family
Medical Histories: Tired of not having answers to those
embarrassing
questions about family history? Here's the solution. Let a computer
generate
your most likely family medical history based on your actual height,
weight,
color and blood type; or wow your doctor with fashion histories -
prewritten
medical histories guaranteed to attract attention. $9.95
Adoptee
Name Tags: Choose tags that change between two names, or that
rotate
through twenty of our most common names. Two name $2.49
Twenty
name $19.95
Ear
Plugs: Stop being a drag at adoptee family gatherings where family
members cannot talk openly in your presence. Insert your sound-proof
plugs,
and others will be certain you cannot here a word. only $5.95
Bedtime
Favorites: Get this collector's edition of these all time favorite
adoptee stories. Includes the beautiful Chosen
Child, and My mother
loved
me so much she gave me up. Also contains the dramatic Your
parents crashed and burned, as well as the suspense thriller Be
good or we'll take you back. These and many other stories you can
read
again and again in this beautifully bound volume. $39.95
Generic
Birth Certificates: Tired of trying to find your real birth
certificate?
Stop trying; make your own! These generic certificates are modeled
after
real California certificates and feature the finest quality inks and
papers.
"Peal and stick" letters allow you to fill in names, states, and dates
to be almost indistinguishable from the real thing. Your choice of
brown,
black, or navy blue, and each certificate includes a gold-leaf,
universal
seal that adds a final touch of authenticity.Set
of six. Specify color. $9.95
Adoptee
Etiquette: The definitive book on the subject. Includes such
problem
areas as how to deal with natural siblings, pretending it doesn't
matter,
and how to avoid being returned. 220 pages of invaluable information
compiled
by leading authorities. $14.95
Adoptee
Mother's Day Cards: It is true! You might actually reach your real
mother with these lighter-than-air cards addressed to "To whom it may
concern."
release one or hundreds Individual $.79 Per
one-hundred
$39.95
Tombstones:
End your search today! natural mother, natural father, even build an
extended
family! These smartly styled stones weigh only sixty pounds so they can
be easily moved when you change residence, and they feature ample room
for names, dates--even an epitaph. Buy them individually or get large
discounts
on twelve or more for spanning whole generations. $149.95
Universal Flags: Celebrate
your
ancestral nationality with a beautiful flag. Each flag has a different
country on each side and turns inside-out to feature a total of four
countries
per flag. Play it safe with flag #1 (Germany, France, England,
Ireland);
go for broke with flag #2 (Tibet, Peru, Kenya, Cambodia); or hedge your
bets with #3 (Austria, Poland, Sweden, Liberia.) $43.72
Adoptee Jeans: Tired of
privately
feeling you don't fit in? Go public! Announce to the world your
displacement
by wearing the jeans cut slightly wrong. You can fit by wearing the
jeans
that don't. $19.95
"Triangle": The adoption game
from
Hasbro. Three to six players try to blame others and avoid
responsibility
as they struggle for integrity and fulfillment, and to avoid
"disruption"
$14.95
Microsoft Tree: Creates family
trees for those who have none. Avoid those embarrassing moments when
you
or your child cannot produce a family tree. Style your tree to suit
your
needs with the help of America's software giant. Requires Windows 95
with
16 MB RAM. $49.95
Silver Jewelry: Affirm your
position
as an adoptee with the metal long known for being second-best. Silver
jewelry
cast as street urchins, puppy dogs, and non-descript globs void of
historical
significance. $24.75
Searcher's Guide to Agency
Ettiquette:
Are you having difficulty getting information from your adoption
agency.
This guide will teach you the ropes. Learn the techniques that work the
best. Learn how to pretend it doesn't matter. A complete list of do's
and
don'ts. This book even has a list of the most difficult agencies. See
how
yours rates nationally. Don't miss this indispensable book. $15.95
Relationship Guide for Adoptees:
How to get along with almost anyone. Discover how earthlings
interrelate
with others. What does it mean to be close and other confusing issues.
A perfect companion to our best seller "Sex for Adoptees" $23.95
Answers to Difficult Questions:
What can you say when someone asks "Who do you look like?" or "What
nationality
are you?" This book gives acceptable answers to those most aggravating
questions? $17.25
Adoption Cookbook: What are
the
minimum daily requirements for adoptees to survive? Important foods to
avoid like organic and natural products which can be poisonous to
adoptees.
A special section on how to tell if something tastes good and smells
good.
Wonderful recipes guaranteed to please any adoptee. These recipes may
cause
problems for real people. Check with your physician. $23.50
Adoptee Music: A wonderful
selection
of heartwarming music for adoptees. Includes Always, I Wonder Who My
Mother
Is?, River of Dreams, Face of a Stranger and dozens more. 3 records, 2
cassettes or 1 CD. Not available on TV or in stores. $24.95
Yes, you too can finalize your own paperwork, even adding clauses
which
will ban the first Mother from ever darkening your door. With
ADOPTOMATIC,
there is no fuss, no muss, no tiring trips to Rumania or China. Just
pick
out the Healthy White Infant of your choice, grab it and place
all
the statistics and important details in the ADOPTOMATIC. Within
minutes,
the child you have coveted will be yours for life!!
Mr. and Mrs. Sinless Strangers from Ratsass, NE, say, "ADOPTOMATIC
was
so simple and easy to use. We adopted two children in the morning and
were
on the golf course by afternoon. ADOPTOMATIC works!!"
Designed by Bill Pierce and a panel of Federal Judges, the
ADOPTOMATIC
helps you bypass such annoying issues as "Open" adoptions and
home
studies.
Finally!! A Product that gets the children into the homes of the
"right
kind" of people. Just call 1-800-AKIDNAP and have your credit
card
ready. You can opt for the convenient, easy-pay plan which will break
down
your payments into 3 easy payments of $999.95 each. Don't be the last
in
your gated community to have one. Get ADOPTOMATIC today!!
(Invented by Robin Westbrook)
Natural Sounds: Actual recordings of
natural families!
Hear real children talk to real parents. Learn to simulate natural
children.
Features such everyday events as a natural family dinner, and going to
the movies; but also includes such things as vacations, and even
arguments.
You can seem more like a natural child by listening to these recordings
of real families. A full three hours. Record, Cassette or CD.only
$19.95
Inflatable
Siblings: Create your own inflatable family with these heavy-duty
manikins
that come in various sizes, colors, and hair styles to resemble
anyone's
natural relatives. Create a feeling of belonging by surrounding
yourself
with inflatable people who look like you. $22.95
each or $79.95 for set of four.
( patch and glue set included.. in case one of your sibs gets a blowout)
Sex
for Adoptees: Have you wondered what sex is like for non-adoptees?
Here are the answers! Find out what non-adoptees do when they make
love;
what they think about, what they move, and when they move it. Learn
from
interviews of over 300 real earthlings on everything you have always
wondered
about sex and many things you haven't. Learn to behave in bed like a
real
person. Even learn to simulate a natural orgasm! $24.95
Contemporary
Adoptee Dance: Annoyed by those suspicious looks on the dance floor
when someone suspects you are adopted? Fool your friends. Dance like
natural
people. Avoid those subtle arm, foot and hip movements that might give
you away. This 60 minute video compares natural and adoptee movements
and
makes it easy to cover-up even the most subtle differences. Avoid
forever
those awkward moments when your partner suddenly suspects. $59.95
Cabbage
Patch Crunchies: The Breakfast Cereal for
Adoptees.
Re-constituted. Totally unnatural but tastes like its fresh from the
Cabbage
Patch. Makes you feel right at home. Warning! Use only with powdered
milk!
$1.25/box
Birth
Certificate Decoder Rings: Find out who you really are with this
forbidden
ring. Outlawed in 47 of the 50 states. We're told it may really work.
Made
in Taiwan Included in each box of Cabbage Patch Crunchies. Sold
separately
for $.38
Baby
Lotto: Pregnant adoptees. Wonder what your baby will
be like? Exploit your uncertainty! Win big money by entering your
unborn
in Baby Lotto, the new game sweeping the country. You can beat
the
odds and win thousands if your baby is born with 1) gills, 2) web feet,
or 3) fur. Win up to $1,000,000 if your baby can fly. Write
for details.
Touch
Up: Adoptee cosmetics. Noted as different? Getting static from
adoptee
relatives about not resembling the family's natural children? End these
problems today. This revolutionary new cosmetic line allows you to
change
your skin tone, hair color, even eye color- permanently. Yes,
permanently!
Eradicate up to 20 hereditary physical characteristics forever with
just
one application. Important: Use only as directed.$49.95
Family
Crests: Chose from our traditional favorites (Kennedy, Rockefeller,
Roosevelt, Getty) or pick from the more current choices (Abdul-Jabbar,
Reagan, Mitsubishi) Choose from over 2300 other available crests or
pick
any name and let our computer assist in designing your very own.
Handsome
walnut and brass, each crest weighs over 5 lbs. $34.95
Famous
Crash Photos: Spectacular photographs of fatal bus, automobile, and
airplane accidents. One of these could be the actual accident in which
your natural parents perished. Choose your favorite from this set of
twenty-five
all time great crash photographs. Capture the moment; save the
memories.
$27.50
Ancestral Portraits: Extremely high
resolution computer design pictures
of natural parents, grandparents, even remote ancestors from centuries
ago.
Our MAC computer designs composite photographs based on the most
prevalent
physical characteristics of people in your birth area. Now you can have
a high-quality portrait of your nuclear family or extended family
relatives.
Even assemble the whole clan, including those living today and those
that
died centuries ago. $29.95
The
Illegitimate's Guide to Unwed Mother's Homes: The most
comprehensive
guide on the market. Over 1200 listings with addresses, descriptions
and
photographs. Turn that routine vacation into a nostalgic adventure with
a visit to the very place where your mother signed you away. 13 volume
set $119.05
The
Buyers Guide to Black Market Babies: Determine your self-worth by
discovering
your cost. This complete guide adjusts for regional differences and
compensates
for inflation. Also, a supply and demand index allows comparison
between
times of baby gluts and shortages. Imagine your joy at learning you
would
have sold for $70,000 to $90,000 at today's prices. A great confidence
builder. $17.50
Staghorn Ferns: The official
Adoptee
plant. Grows anywhere. No soil needed. No roots. Minimal care required.
$24.00
Humble
Pie: Basic adoptee fare. 12 inch, deep-dish pies. Bland, colorless,
unappealing; but good for you. Eat anytime, but especially before
visits
to government and social agencies. Generic ingredients for generic
people.
Refrigeration not required. $8.50 each; 3 for $21.95
Sea
Cruises: Travel aimlessly on an unregistered ocean-liner with no
destination
and no port-of-call. $475.00
Telephone
Discounts: Save. We have arranged through AT &T for a special
multiple
mother discount... discounted rates on calls home for those with more
than
one mother. Free with each
purchase
from Adoptee/Products Inc.
Street
Guide for Adoptees: Searching for your natural family? Use our
guide to
increase your chances by walking down the streets that natural parents
use
the most. Learn what to wear to be more easily spotted and accepted.
Available
for most large cities. Please specify city and your natural mother's
approximate
age. $9.95
Opening
Lines for that First Phone Call: What do say when you call your
mother
for the very first time. This collection of proven openers will get
your
relationship off to a great start. Even has a special section to know
what
to say if you are in jail for murdering your adoptive family or serial
killings. A 2 volume set $75.00
Adoption
Library: Be the first in your support group to own every adoption
book
ever written. Contains the best and the worst. Many can be
appropriately
used as fire starters on cold nights. As a bonus, we include the 2
volume
encyclopedia of adoption. $1,995
Adoption
in the Movies: If you feel lonely one of these classic adoption
related
videos will be sure to make things just right. Bambi, Cindarella,
Handmaidens
Tale, Orphan Train, Pinnochio, The Other Mother and last but not least,
Stolen Like Me! Set of six $29.95
Careers
for Adoptees: What kinds of jobs are adoptees most suited for.
Includes
cross-indexed jobs by categories such as People Pleasing, Working
Alone,
Jobs for the Truly Angry! We know it's difficult for you to pick so
well
even pick a career for you if you return the enclosed post card. 3-4
week
processing time $29.95
Adoption
Book of Denial: If your denial weakens and you start to think "it"
matters, or you start to think of search and betraying your adoptive
parents,
this book is for you. Exercises guaranteed to put you back into denial.
How to Pretend it Doesn't Matter, Learning how to hide from that blank
space in your soul, How to be comfortable at family gatherings, even an
exercise to make you look like your family and stop those god awful
questions.
Fully illustrated.. A steal at $21.95
Encyclopedia
of Adoption: Everything you never wanted to know about the effects
of separation of mother and child. Includes a pronouncing gazetteer,
history
of baby selling including the most famous baby sellers, a list of
famous
adoptees, natural parents and adoptive parents, a special section on
adoptees
who kill and much much more. 2 volume set, reduced to only $98.75
Adoptomatic: Ladies and gentleman, the marketing
genius,
Ron Popiel, has done it again. He has helped you vacuum-seal at
home,
dehydrate fruit at home, do full restaurant-style rotisserie
roasting
at home..now try his new ADOPTOMATIC!!